the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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