At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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