the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
