All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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