i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
