ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
