You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
