I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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