yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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