I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
high people should be assigned attendants
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
