Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
