Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
