it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
