I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
