Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
