He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
