i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
