If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
