dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
