I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
sex in a hospital.. check
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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