I accidentally had phone sex last night
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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