i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
