there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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