I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
