If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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