Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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