Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
