I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
