remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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