Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
