If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
