It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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