This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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