everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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