So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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