what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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