remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
