now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
