Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
