i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
