You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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