forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
