I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
