he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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