People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
