I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
