my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Someone came in the potted fern
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
