she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
