I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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