sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Less talking, more tequila
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
