those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
