A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
