theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
