This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
